Switching Gears - My Mom

It's that time of year again, the time of year that brings the crap to a bit of a close for me ... it's the end of the My Birthday-Halloween-Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Years string of events that I typically have a hard time facing.

Last Friday, January 25th, it was the 8 year Anniversary of the day my Mom became an Angel. It was the day I became Motherless.

I have had several up and down years since then, and it has been a hell of a trip, taking me all across the emotional universe, to places I didn't even know existed. I saw places that I never want to see again.

This year, however, was different, and I don't know why.

I still miss her. Some days I have a hard time remembering her voice. I still think that my kids were cheated, that they never got to know what I know would have been a Kick Ass Grandma. I know my Stepdad still misses her, I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice. He had to make a new plan for retirement, one that didn't include her.

This year, though, came and went with nary a blip in the radar. I woke up that morning, I knew it was the 25th, thought about what it meant and then I got out of bed. Maybe it was because the kids already had a twenty minute head start on me and were already downstairs squabbling over who knows what.

Or, just maybe, I'm at the point now where my grief/sadness/anger/fear/loneliness is more of a scar, not even a scab anymore. When she first died it was a deep gaping wound that took forever to heal, only to re-open without notice. Then it was like a wound that had scabbed over - it was still there, and you knew it, but it took just a bit more for it to open back up, and the healing was quicker and somewhat easier when it did. And now, it's like a scar. It's there, I can see it, but it's closed. This is not to say that I never feel down about the path that my life took in regards to my Mom, but it's not so damn overwhelming anymore - it's workable, and I can function.

I am thankful for the 25 years that I had her - I wish I could have had 25 more, but that was not meant to be.

This is the hand I was dealt, I don't necessarily like it, but I better play it and make the most of it.