It's that time of year again, the time of year that brings the crap to a bit of a close for me ... it's the end of the My Birthday-Halloween-Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Years string of events that I typically have a hard time facing.
Last Friday, January 25th, it was the 8 year Anniversary of the day my Mom became an Angel. It was the day I became Motherless.
I have had several up and down years since then, and it has been a hell of a trip, taking me all across the emotional universe, to places I didn't even know existed. I saw places that I never want to see again.
This year, however, was different, and I don't know why.
I still miss her. Some days I have a hard time remembering her voice. I still think that my kids were cheated, that they never got to know what I know would have been a Kick Ass Grandma. I know my Stepdad still misses her, I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice. He had to make a new plan for retirement, one that didn't include her.
This year, though, came and went with nary a blip in the radar. I woke up that morning, I knew it was the 25th, thought about what it meant and then I got out of bed. Maybe it was because the kids already had a twenty minute head start on me and were already downstairs squabbling over who knows what.
Or, just maybe, I'm at the point now where my grief/sadness/anger/fear/loneliness is more of a scar, not even a scab anymore. When she first died it was a deep gaping wound that took forever to heal, only to re-open without notice. Then it was like a wound that had scabbed over - it was still there, and you knew it, but it took just a bit more for it to open back up, and the healing was quicker and somewhat easier when it did. And now, it's like a scar. It's there, I can see it, but it's closed. This is not to say that I never feel down about the path that my life took in regards to my Mom, but it's not so damn overwhelming anymore - it's workable, and I can function.
I am thankful for the 25 years that I had her - I wish I could have had 25 more, but that was not meant to be.
This is the hand I was dealt, I don't necessarily like it, but I better play it and make the most of it.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Week Three - No Spend January
For the last week, this is what I spent:
Thursday, I spent $7.01 on prescriptions for my upcoming dental procedure. I like the Blue Cross drug card.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday were spent at home, laying low, so nothing was spent.
Monday I spent $4.04 on a cup of coffee! Yikes. I was considering it a treat after the previous three days. I shouldn't have, I didn't need it.
Tuesday I spent $2.80 on food since the soup I brought for lunch wasn't enough. I don't know if I have mentioned it yet, but if I ever eat soup again at any time within the next four months, I may be sick. I'm tired of soup, it's all I've been eating for almost a week.
Today - ack! I spent $42.75 on gas, $34.06 on supplements and $8.54 on milk. I also spent $17.23 on fabric at Hobby Lobby for a baby blanket and hat. The baby shower is on 2/2, so I had to get the fabric now, otherwise I would have waited. I paid with cash for everything except the gas. That'll be really nice in February when the statement comes in.
I will have to run to the store tomorrow and pick up dish soap ... I thought I could last the month, but I guessed wrong. After that, I think I'm good until the end of the month.
My Grand Total for the month is ... $527.51. Not too bad, and I think the only thing I've charged is gas, everything else was cash or a check. Cool.
Thursday, I spent $7.01 on prescriptions for my upcoming dental procedure. I like the Blue Cross drug card.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday were spent at home, laying low, so nothing was spent.
Monday I spent $4.04 on a cup of coffee! Yikes. I was considering it a treat after the previous three days. I shouldn't have, I didn't need it.
Tuesday I spent $2.80 on food since the soup I brought for lunch wasn't enough. I don't know if I have mentioned it yet, but if I ever eat soup again at any time within the next four months, I may be sick. I'm tired of soup, it's all I've been eating for almost a week.
Today - ack! I spent $42.75 on gas, $34.06 on supplements and $8.54 on milk. I also spent $17.23 on fabric at Hobby Lobby for a baby blanket and hat. The baby shower is on 2/2, so I had to get the fabric now, otherwise I would have waited. I paid with cash for everything except the gas. That'll be really nice in February when the statement comes in.
I will have to run to the store tomorrow and pick up dish soap ... I thought I could last the month, but I guessed wrong. After that, I think I'm good until the end of the month.
My Grand Total for the month is ... $527.51. Not too bad, and I think the only thing I've charged is gas, everything else was cash or a check. Cool.
Hungry
So, it's been a long week. Last Friday I had a visit with the periodontist ... while not a completely horrible visit, there were easily a dozen other things I'd rather be doing. If I thought for more than a minute, I bet I could come up with a dozen more.
I remember when I was pregnant with Q, I ended up avoiding the lunch room because I couldn't stand the stories - "Oh Lord, my labor was four days long!" "I had a ten pound baby and seven thousand stitches" "My sister has this friend ... " and so it went. I retreated to my desk for the last few months in order to preserve my sanity.
Much the same for my periodontal work. When I mentioned to someone that I was having a gum graft (not too pleasant of a title, eh?) they would make this face and then say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I bet that's gonna hurt" or "Better you than me" or "Wow, sucks to be you, huh?"
By the time 10:00 rolled around Friday morning, I was going to punch the next person who even dared comment about a procedure that they know NOTHING about. What I wanted to do was ask my brother in law how it felt when the doctor stuck his finger up his butt for a prostate exam, I bet that's not too comfortable now is it. But no, I kept my thoughts to myself and proceeded to the perio. I was in a stellar mood when I got there, though.
It wasn't too bad, the recovery isn't horrible, although I will admit that I am hungrier than all get out, since I can only eat soft foods on the right side of my mouth. Plus, I have stitches in the roof of my mouth and I can feel them when I talk. That's just annoying. I hope they get taken out on Friday when I go back for my follow up.
Maybe thats it - if you can't be nice, maybe you shouldn't say anything at all, especially when it's obvious that the person that said procedure will be done to is already nervous to start with.
I remember when I was pregnant with Q, I ended up avoiding the lunch room because I couldn't stand the stories - "Oh Lord, my labor was four days long!" "I had a ten pound baby and seven thousand stitches" "My sister has this friend ... " and so it went. I retreated to my desk for the last few months in order to preserve my sanity.
Much the same for my periodontal work. When I mentioned to someone that I was having a gum graft (not too pleasant of a title, eh?) they would make this face and then say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I bet that's gonna hurt" or "Better you than me" or "Wow, sucks to be you, huh?"
By the time 10:00 rolled around Friday morning, I was going to punch the next person who even dared comment about a procedure that they know NOTHING about. What I wanted to do was ask my brother in law how it felt when the doctor stuck his finger up his butt for a prostate exam, I bet that's not too comfortable now is it. But no, I kept my thoughts to myself and proceeded to the perio. I was in a stellar mood when I got there, though.
It wasn't too bad, the recovery isn't horrible, although I will admit that I am hungrier than all get out, since I can only eat soft foods on the right side of my mouth. Plus, I have stitches in the roof of my mouth and I can feel them when I talk. That's just annoying. I hope they get taken out on Friday when I go back for my follow up.
Maybe thats it - if you can't be nice, maybe you shouldn't say anything at all, especially when it's obvious that the person that said procedure will be done to is already nervous to start with.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Week Two, Part Two - No Spend January
So I thought the weekend would be pretty uneventful, and it was. I still ended up spending money, though. Nothing extra, nothing more than I had really planned, it's just that I cringe every time I see the grocery bill.
Sunday, I filled the gas tank to the tune of $56.19. Ouch. Then I went to the grocery store, to the tune of $141.25. Ouch again, although this was for two and a half weeks, so it's not that bad, I suppose. Then I stopped at the Milk Store and that was another $10.46 for two gallons of milk.
Today, and I am ashamed to admit this, I finally mailed my Dad's Christmas gifts. That was $10.85 at FedEx. The box got moved for a Christmas Party, and I didn't notice it until after Christmas, and I have no real excuse for not getting it mailed until today. It's been boxed up for a week or so riding around in my car. What can I say, I'm a flunky. And then back to the other grocery store (the first one didn't have veal or plum tomatoes, what's that all about?) for $24.21. Eleven dollars of that was soda for my husband at work.
We sure do eat a lot, but I enjoy cooking, so I don't mind that much.
Tomorrow I will have to stop at the Post Office, but that will only be $2 or so. I should be good for the rest of the week ... I have lunch ready and I don't see anything on the horizon.
Now, if I could only figure out a way to make $1700 ... that's a lot of jelly and sewing!
Sunday, I filled the gas tank to the tune of $56.19. Ouch. Then I went to the grocery store, to the tune of $141.25. Ouch again, although this was for two and a half weeks, so it's not that bad, I suppose. Then I stopped at the Milk Store and that was another $10.46 for two gallons of milk.
Today, and I am ashamed to admit this, I finally mailed my Dad's Christmas gifts. That was $10.85 at FedEx. The box got moved for a Christmas Party, and I didn't notice it until after Christmas, and I have no real excuse for not getting it mailed until today. It's been boxed up for a week or so riding around in my car. What can I say, I'm a flunky. And then back to the other grocery store (the first one didn't have veal or plum tomatoes, what's that all about?) for $24.21. Eleven dollars of that was soda for my husband at work.
We sure do eat a lot, but I enjoy cooking, so I don't mind that much.
Tomorrow I will have to stop at the Post Office, but that will only be $2 or so. I should be good for the rest of the week ... I have lunch ready and I don't see anything on the horizon.
Now, if I could only figure out a way to make $1700 ... that's a lot of jelly and sewing!
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Week Two - No Spend January
Hmm ... this is tough. Not the no-spending part, but the tracking part.
January 5: $4.57 at the O'Hare Oasis on our way back from the airport.
January 6: $11.38 at Borders for calendars and what not ... DH had $80 in gift cards/store credit to spend, so he got a pile of books too.
January 7: $4 at the car wash because I couldn't see, and I figure the $4 there is cheaper than my $500 deductible; $78.72 at the grocery store for the week. It should last a bit longer than that, though. Did I also mention that I am doing the Great Freezer & Pantry Cookdown. Over the last two months we seem to have acquired an odd assortment of ingredients and random pieces of meat. January is typically one of the three months during the year when we do the Great Freezer & Pantry Cookdown. I'm not sure why I have a jar of plum jam in the pantry, but I'll be using it next week!
January 8: I returned the crack filler, and then spent an additional $1.06 for some batteries. Watch batteries are so expensive, especially if you consider their size - the size per dollar ratio is not in favor of the dollar.
January 9: I returned some things at Target and got $10.03 back. I did spend $43 at Michaels, on a gift card, to finish a project that I had started and some things for the kids to paint. I also spent $6.14 at Jewel for dinner - the first store didn't have what I needed.
That is $95.84, plus what I've already spent. I don't anticipate going anywhere or spending any money Thursday or Friday this week, and the weekend is looking pretty harmless too.
January 5: $4.57 at the O'Hare Oasis on our way back from the airport.
January 6: $11.38 at Borders for calendars and what not ... DH had $80 in gift cards/store credit to spend, so he got a pile of books too.
January 7: $4 at the car wash because I couldn't see, and I figure the $4 there is cheaper than my $500 deductible; $78.72 at the grocery store for the week. It should last a bit longer than that, though. Did I also mention that I am doing the Great Freezer & Pantry Cookdown. Over the last two months we seem to have acquired an odd assortment of ingredients and random pieces of meat. January is typically one of the three months during the year when we do the Great Freezer & Pantry Cookdown. I'm not sure why I have a jar of plum jam in the pantry, but I'll be using it next week!
January 8: I returned the crack filler, and then spent an additional $1.06 for some batteries. Watch batteries are so expensive, especially if you consider their size - the size per dollar ratio is not in favor of the dollar.
January 9: I returned some things at Target and got $10.03 back. I did spend $43 at Michaels, on a gift card, to finish a project that I had started and some things for the kids to paint. I also spent $6.14 at Jewel for dinner - the first store didn't have what I needed.
That is $95.84, plus what I've already spent. I don't anticipate going anywhere or spending any money Thursday or Friday this week, and the weekend is looking pretty harmless too.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happy New Year!
It's January 1, 2008. We survived another year, and welcomed 2008 in semi-grand fashion, with a house full of friends and a midnight dip into their (outdoor) hot tub for my husband. I am too cold, even in the summer, to even contemplate getting into a hot tub when it's 10 degrees outside. Call me crazy, but a member of the Polar Bear Club I will NOT be.
In the spirit of the New Year, everyone is talking about resolutions. I don't make them. I prefer to set a goal for the month/year/season and see if I can do it. I don't vow to exercise more, eat less ... not for me.
For January, I've decided it's a no-spend month. This means that the only money we spend will be from the gift cards given to us, or on bills (gas, electric, etc) or on things that we truly need, not want. It really makes you think about what you're buying and why you're buying it.
In February, we are talking about taking a long weekend and going to Wisconsin Dells with the kids for a mid-winter break.
In March, The Husband will take Q to Arizona to visit his (The Husband's) grandparents. They are in their 80's ... there may not be too many more chances to visit, so we're doing it now. The Bee went with her Dad two years ago, so now it's Q's turn.
Today, we filled the gas tank in my car (gulp) to the tune of $56.78. I hate the gas station. Granted, I was at an eighth of a tank, but I still hate it.
I'm off to spend the rest of a lazy day with my kids and husband. I like January 1st.
Grand Total spent in January: $56.78 (which, is the keys 45678 in a row - nice start!)
In the spirit of the New Year, everyone is talking about resolutions. I don't make them. I prefer to set a goal for the month/year/season and see if I can do it. I don't vow to exercise more, eat less ... not for me.
For January, I've decided it's a no-spend month. This means that the only money we spend will be from the gift cards given to us, or on bills (gas, electric, etc) or on things that we truly need, not want. It really makes you think about what you're buying and why you're buying it.
In February, we are talking about taking a long weekend and going to Wisconsin Dells with the kids for a mid-winter break.
In March, The Husband will take Q to Arizona to visit his (The Husband's) grandparents. They are in their 80's ... there may not be too many more chances to visit, so we're doing it now. The Bee went with her Dad two years ago, so now it's Q's turn.
Today, we filled the gas tank in my car (gulp) to the tune of $56.78. I hate the gas station. Granted, I was at an eighth of a tank, but I still hate it.
I'm off to spend the rest of a lazy day with my kids and husband. I like January 1st.
Grand Total spent in January: $56.78 (which, is the keys 45678 in a row - nice start!)
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