yet another melancholy post

So ... I often read the news on line while the kids are sleeping. It saves me the trouble of newspaper subscriptions and what not ... plus I get to read what I want and not have to weed through all the other junk.

Anyway ... I was looking at the local Chicago news website and saw the headline for a train accident that killed a pedestrian. I clicked on it just to see where it happened, hoping it didn't happen at the stop where my job is, or it wasn't anybody at home. Well, very much to my surprise, the person killed was my ex-boyfriend. Hmm.

We didn't end on very good terms at all. In fact, the last time I saw him, I was in court requesting a restraining order so he would leave me alone. It was not at all the way I ever envisioned ending a relationship. I was pretty sure that we were not meant to be together forever, since we were of two very different mindsets on so many things. He was adamant about not having a mortgage, a car payment or kids. He felt that the first two were just giving in to the system, and kids, well, he didn't want to share anybodys attention. I give him credit for being honest on that one.

I had dated him for almost three years, and at the end it just fell apart. I was going to college, getting ready for a future, and he wasn't. He was content to live month to month, job to job, and do drugs during the week and on weekends. It just wasn't working for me anymore, and when I tried to end things, he tried holding on tighter, so I pushed away harder and it just spiraled out of control from there. I think the event that really started it in motion was the night he hit me in the parking lot. I ended up leaving him there and staying in a hotel for the night. He spent the night in jail after getting pulled over for DUI.

I never wished him ill, since I firmly believe that it will come back to get you in the hiney if you do. I probably should say that when I was REALLY angry, I probably did wish him ill, but not when I was not angry. I hoped that he could quit the drugs and ease up on the drinking, and find something in his life that was steady. I knew he would never turn himself into a businessman or anything like that, but I knew he could be better if he quit the drugs and the drinking.

Strangely enough, I thought of him last night. I don't know what brought him to mind, but I wondered what he would think if he saw me, or what he would say. Would he say that I was a sell out, that I had given in to the system? Would we acknowledge each other at all? After all, look at me: husband, house in the suburbs, two cars, two kids. I'm everything he didn't want to be a part of.

And then, I found out this afternoon, that when I was having that thought, he had been dead for three hours already.

And, even more coincidentally, my ex-boyfriend died on the same day that my Mom died, seven years prior. Who'd a thunk it?

I feel for his parents. I really did like his Mom. His Dad was nice too, although I didn't talk to him much. He also has a sister that is two or three years younger than I am. I saw my grandpa bury four of his ten children, and all I know is that a parent should NEVER bury a child, EVER. I can't imagine the pain his folks are going through. I don't even want to imagine it.

I hope he is at peace, and that it didn't hurt and he didn't have time to panic or be scared and that his grandmother was there to meet him when he arrived in Heaven. I also hope for his parents that they find some peace and calm during these next days and months.