seriously?

We're coming down to the wire for Christmas ... no surprise, since it's always been the same date, for, oh, pretty much ever.

I offered to help one of my grandmothers do the shopping for the grandkids (ages 10 (December birthday), 8 1/2 and 7 (December birthday too) in one house and ages 7 and 5 at my house). I managed to get the other crew what I thought was a pretty cool gift, and I know they'll like it, for $52. Not bad. So, I figured that I'd go and find something in the $40 range for my kids, thinking that I was spending per child.

Nope.

I was told yesterday, that the goal was $30 per child, and that I had to spend the same amount per household. I have to go back out and spend an additional $40 for one house and then still some more for my own.

Why does this make me want to cry?

I feel like I am now shopping for spending moneys sake, not for the reason behind the gift. I was thinking that Gram would be pleased, because I came in under budget. Well, nope.

I look at the amount of things that the children in both of these houses already have, and the space limitations we're all working with, and with the thought in mind that they will be getting more "stuff" in the next week. I don't want to shop for shoppings sake, I want to get gifts for these children that I know that they will like, that they will appreciate, that they will take care of. Not just something to open on Christmas morning.

Perhaps I'm looking at it from the wrong angle, I don't know. I know that I've slowly been removing myself from the retail cycle, trying to give experiences and consumables, and things that last. It goes back to the "I just want to live simply" mantra that runs through my head.

So now, as I prepare to head out and shop some more, I don't do it with any joy, but with anxiety.

Am I a scrooge, and do I just not know it?

really, I do

I really want to blog, really, I do ...

But why can't I get over here to do it?

I hate feeling like my life is a list of good intentions, but that I lack follow through.

Has facebook taken over my blogging? I know that it has definitely taken over some of my other "freer" time. I now do my best to hop on in the morning and at night, and to limit my time to an hour a day. Otherwise, it's a huge time suck.

I've also found about two dozen other blogs that are so beautiful, so inspiring, so creative ... all the things I aspire to be ... that I live vicariously through them, and let my own little blog wither from lack of attention.

I've got a mental list a mile long of things to share, but they still remain, in my mind, not yet shared with my oh so pathetic readership of two.

I don't think I ever openly shared my blog with my friends or family, because, you know, that would mean that I am putting myself "out there" for my friends and family to see further into our lives. I'm pretty open about it anyway, but for some reason, actually admitting I've got this little slice of the blogosphere is a risk I haven't taken yet. And it's been a while, so I probably should get over it, but ... not only is it withering from lack of attention, at least I am not sharing my blogful neglect with anyone else, except the couple of you that pop over here to check on things. Thanks, you two.