Well hello there

Not that I think anyone ever checks in here, because I sure don't, and I'm supposed to be the ... owner/mistress/whatever of this poor neglected blog.

Any hoo ... we're still here, still chugging along, keeping on keeping on.

The children are now teen-ish, and I'm forty-ish.  That's been fun.

Seriously, it has been fun.  Turning forty was absolutely awesome.  It's kind of like some sort of switch was flipped.  I think everyone should turn forty, and if people are lucky, they'll have an awesome group of family and friends to share the day with, because I can definitely tell you, my family and friends made it for me.

I still drink coffee in excessive amounts as well.  I don't think that will ever change, because to be honest, I like the taste of strong, hot coffee, with a little bit of sugar and a little bit of almond milk.  Dee-licious.

I think I cleared up some of my health issues, both physical and mental.  Depression is a bitch, I say.  A big ol' bitch.  At this point in my game, I've got her taken care of, but I know she has a tendency to creep back and then suddenly she's in charge and my life is some sort of dark chaotic overwhelming haze of sadness, combined with a big portion of "I don't give a shit".  I'm doing my best to be aware of her location and keep her on the perimeter of my life.  She needs to stay there.  Forever.

I was also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.  Surprise!  That is also in check, and the panic attacks have stopped.  Those are never fun.  Ever.  I can do without the crying and hyperventilating and feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack.  It's also nice to be able to live my life without freaking out at every corner or new adventure.  I had a lot of brave going on, and my body got too tired from all the brave, and it just sort of exploded out of me one day when my husband was leaving to go out of town.  That was not a fun send off on several different levels.  That too, is now taken care of.  Check and check.

Now that I've chronicled all of my brain problems, you may be wondering about The Kennedy Kids, but no worries on that front, they were never in harms way (there was never any harm, I was not at that point, ever.  I haven't been since my Mom died back in 2000, and I promise, I'm never going back there.) and they were always the priority, even in the midst of the haze.  My ability to keep them in the front and well taken care of is why it went on so long, because I wasn't obviously failing.  I was struggling to keep it all together, and the kids were taken care of - loved, fed, clothed, schooled, volunteered, driven to practices, all of the things that parents do, I did.  I neglected myself and my husband, and when that hit the tipping point, it became obvious.  If you're curious what the tipping point looks like, it's $15K worth of credit card debt.  Oops.  That's been fun to come back from.  Snark.

And speaking of anxiety, I'm pretty sure that The Boy Child is starting to show signs.  A lot of indecisiveness and pacing and hand wringing and thinking it out until it can't be thought out anymore and afraid to make a decision.  He sounds a lot bit like his Mom.  Hmm.  We've been giving him tools to work with and it seems to be helping, but if it gets too much worse, a visit to the doctor may be in order.

I have a cousin that was finally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in college.  I'm not sure what, if anything, brought that about, but I was talking with her Mom one day, and Teenage Kennedy Cousin had told her it was always a relief to walk into a classroom and have assigned seats, because the decision making process involved in choosing a seat was torture.  Cousin's Mom tells me that Teenage Kennedy Cousin just thought that it was like that for everyone, and struggled through, not knowing that it could be different.  I try to keep that in mind when it comes to my own kids.

Ramble ... ramble ... ramble ...

I can feel my pinball machine of a thought process going on over here ... oy.

The Kennedy Kids and I have a day at the water park planned, even though it's grey and gloomy here.  Maybe the lines will be shorter today.  Did you know I don't like water parks and I'm absolutely terrified of wave pools?  I had a bad experience in one as a kid, I didn't need rescuing, but was really struggling to keep my head above water and kept getting pounded by all the tubes and the waves.  When the waves finally stopped, I was out of there as quick as I could be, and haven't been back in one since.  I know you're not supposed to let your fears rule your life, but since it's just the three of us today, there will be no wave pool for the kids.

Hoping to be back here on a more regular basis.  Fingers crossed.

what did December bring?

January.

See how that happened?

*blink* and now it's January. Actually, it's the last third of January, closer to February.

Yep.

Any hoo ... it's cold. I'm cold. My house is cold, and no, it's not a furnace issue, it's a I live in Chicago and it's just crazy ass cold this week issue. I think it is supposed to be 15 tomorrow, so that will be nice. A little bit of sun and no wind, and it might not be too bad.

So, I sit most nights with a cup of tea, doctored up with my friends honey - if you can get fresh, local, unpasteurized honey, I highly encourage it. I curl up with an afghan and I hunker down. I haven't been getting much done at night, but my days have been busy.

So as I sit here now, without a cup of tea, but a glass of water instead, my kids on the couch next to me as we watch some kid-tv, I fight the yawns and figure out just how early isn't too early, or too lame, to go to bed.

I know how to live large, don't I?

November

Aah ... 30 Days of Thankful, and I managed to post on all of them, with the exception of the weekend in Michigan.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it everyday, and I managed to, which for me is a good thing. I have trouble with follow through some days.

It was nice to take the time, even if just for a minute every day, and find something to be thankful for. I think we're so caught up in our lives that we don't take the time to notice that we actually do have it pretty good, and that there is plenty to be thankful for, we just have to take the time and look for it.

So ... having said that and having been here every day for a month, let's see what the craziness of December brings!

November, Day 30

Today I am thankful for Modern Medicine. I don't even know if it is worthy of capitalization, but I'm doing it.

Last night I drove myself to the Emergency Room (stupid idea, I know) to see if they could figure out what the pain I was having was. It was pretty much center of my chest, and my gallbladder had been ruled out last week, and that doesn't leave a whole lot - lungs, diaphragm and heart. Well, with my Mom's family and their history of heart disease, I talked with The Husband and we decided to get it checked out. He stayed home with the kids, and I left for the hospital. I was seriously banking on it not being anything heart related, which is why I drove myself. If I honestly thought it was a heart issue, I would have gotten a ride, but I was 98% sure it wasn't, but I needed someone with some letters after their name to tell me that.

It turns out I've got some gastrointestinal "thing" going on, and last night they gave me a "GI Mix" which was lidocaine, Maalox and an anti-spasmodic drug, and wow! did that thing ever work. My pain went away in five minutes, and it was lovely.

I am supposed to follow up with a Gastroenterologist for a possible endoscopy. I am also wondering if there isn't a food allergy or sensitivity going on ... I had hives a few weeks ago and they broke out again last night, so I'm wondering if there is a connection. I highly doubt it, since my skin reacted wherever the adhesive touched me. I'm also taking a steroid for the next three days to keep the hives in check. I probably won't sleep alot either, as steroids tend to keep me awake.

So my thanks go to the hospital staff last night - here's hoping I don't have to see any of you again any time soon, unless it's in the produce section at the grocery store.

November, Day 28

Today I am thankful.

Nothing specific, just sitting in the middle of the living room, with the laptop on a toy bucket, my dinner menu to the left, a stack of invitations to the right of that, and my coffee on the right of me kind of thankful.

It's good.